Loud Whispers: Agony Aunt - By Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi

This week, I am offering my services as an ‘Agony Aunt’, the one you talk to about all your problems, to which you already have your own solutions, you are just looking for assurance or affirmation. I don’t like playing the role of Agony Aunt for two main reasons. First, all relationship problems are person specific and it is very difficult to offer advice or guidance devoid of full context and disclosure. Second, I mind my own business and do not concern myself with the messy personal affairs of others unless there is a compelling reason for me to intervene. I had cause to do so a while ago, at a family wedding.  

One of my Aunts whispered in my ear that one of our younger male relatives had smuggled his mistress a.k.a side chick into the party. If he had allowed her to stay hidden away in the back of the hall he would not have landed in trouble. He and his wife had been having problems and she was not present at the event, but she was still his wife. The side chick had the audacity to come forward when a call was made for the Iyawo Ile (wives married into the family) to come out and receive the new bride. My Aunts were furious and felt the best way to deal with it was to let me know, since I was the ‘women’s champion’ both publicly and within the family!  I sent for my young relative and told him two things. One, if you and your wife are divorcing, kindly come and inform us officially, the same way you came to tell us you wanted to marry her and we followed you to her family to beg for her hand and we promised them we would take care of her. Second, your friend is not welcome at this event, kindly ask her to leave and if this does not please you, feel free to leave with her. He immediately started begging and apologizing, saying he had not invited her, but she heard and came anyway (Yeah, I wonder who told her?) he quickly shooed her out of the place. He brought his estranged wife to see me a few days later and we spent hours talking, trying to address their problems. They made up, and they seem to be doing okay.

 I just came across a story about a young woman who went with her boyfriend to visit his mother and sisters for the first time. It was alleged that the future mother in law and her daughters decided that the young lady was unrecognisable because she had makeup on. It was not clear how much was too much for them, but she was asked to wipe it off, and was even offered face wipes to speed up the process! The young lady refused to cooperate, so the visit came to an end, and she obviously did not make a good impression. Then there was the sad video of the young man who proposed to his sweetheart in a marketplace and she turned him down. The poor fellow started rolling in the mud in pain and humiliation, while his lady stormed away. I hereby offer my unsolicited advice to young women and men who might be struggling with some of these issues:

* When you are dating someone, it is okay to do whatever you can to show them that you care for them and that you love them. However, this should not be done to the detriment of your own self-esteem and dignity. On this note, the treatment Mandy received on her visit was uncalled for. The request to remove her makeup was not about how heavy it was. It was to do with bringing her down a notch or two and establishing who was in control. If you are a young woman planning to marry into that kind of family, good luck to you. If you are a young man taking a nervous girlfriend to visit your family, be prepared to diplomatically but firmly protect her. If you cannot, you are not ready to be a husband.

* Some advice for potential brides visiting in-laws for the first time. You are auditioning for a role, and you are going to be scrutinized from head to toe and watched like a hawk. Guess what? You need to give yourself the power to audition them too. Listen carefully and say very little. Observe the way your boyfriend behaves around them. Watch body language. The issue shouldn’t just be are you worthy of them, but are they worthy of you too? 

* You should be respectful to everyone. You are also entitled to respect. Don’t be desperate. No man is doing you a favour by marrying you, neither will you be doing him a favour by saying yes to his proposal. If that is how you both feel about one another, then your relationship is built on sand, and you know what happens when the inevitable storms come your way.

* Proposals are supposed to be private affairs. If you want to propose to your girlfriend, pick a very private place, unless you are 100% sure that you will get a yes. Even if you are sure, you don’t need an audience online or offline. You only need her. She is the one you will marry and live with, not the sundry strangers and busybodies who you are trying to impress, only to end up humiliating yourself.

* These days, when I am asked to give advice to couples when I officiate at weddings, I tell them about the new face of ‘witchcraft’. In the old days, we were told that witches and the odd wizard lived in our hometowns. They were shriveled, old, mean, jealous folks who never wanted to see the young prosper, so they cut them down in their prime or caused all kinds of misfortune. My take is that these days, the geography and demographics have shifted. The witches and wizards of today are not old people and they no longer live in villages. They can be found on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, You Tube and other such places, and they can run, rule or ruin your life every which way you want. It is entirely up to you. Give them the information they need and they are good to go. If you want a peaceful, stress free, healthy existence, keep your private life away from social media. Celebrities and public figures do not have much of a choice, that is part of the price they pay for the fame they enjoy. However, even if you fall into that category, if you can help it, keep your business to yourself. 

* Young men, when you get involved with a successful young woman, your first goal should not be to try and teach her who is boss, or who will be in control when you settle down together. Why not focus on how you will build a life in which both of you bring something to the table and you can both bring out the best in each other?

* Young women, who taught you that a man will always be there to cater for your every need, ranging from giving you money to do your nails, buy expensive Brazilian hair, to paying for a shopping trip to Dubai so you can ‘pepper’ your friends on Instagram? Study hard. Work hard. Buy your own stuff. Flash your own cards when you pay. Having a man take you shopping sounds sexy. Doing it with money you have earned is sexier.

There it is for now. Good luck with all the visits to the in-laws, and the high and low dramas. Auntie is here sipping tea and rooting for you.

Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She is the First Lady of Ekiti State, and she can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com